Should You Trust People or Protect Yourself?

Do you tend to be cautious and distrustful of other people so you can protect yourself?  If so, you are actually harming yourself.  Trusting people are happier people, more resilient, less anxious, have more friends, have better romantic relationships, and better health.

I think we live in a generally distrustful, wary time.  The result is lonelier people, less connection with community, political division.  The temptation is to pull the circle tighter and avoid people who might hurt or oppose us.  But it works the opposite way.  Distrust breeds distrustfulness.  That’s what this article in The Atlantic explains.

People who have a “secure attachment” style assume the best.  “Attachment” is our gut way of responding to the world, our default way of interpreting unclear circumstances or interactions.  People who are secure will interpret things in the best possible way, while anxious or avoidant people will interpret the interaction as hostile or a rejection.

Paranoia is the extreme end of this.  A psychologist has coined a new term for the opposite: “pronoia. . . .People with pronoia possess the delusion that, despite any evidence to the contrary, others want the best for them. . . Unless there’s contradictory evidence, secure people tend to assume that others are trustworthy.”  

He actually calls this a “delusion.”  Wouldn’t that be a bad thing, we ask?  Amazingly, no!  We often assume trusting people are naive and vulnerable and will be taken advantage of, but the research shows “assuming the best sets people up to receive the best.”  Read the article to see the studies.

I believe this to be true because I’ve seen it so often in my life and in the lives of others.  I don’t think trusting people are naive.  They are choosing to trust and expect that trust to be returned.  Sometimes they will be betrayed.  That’s a risk.  But more likely than not, they won’t.  As the research shows, “If you trust people, you make them more trustworthy,”  explains Ernst Fehr, a University of Zurich professor who co-authored the study, in Nature.  And even when the secure were betrayed, they were less affected by the harm than the people with an insecure disposition. The secure handled the betrayal better.

This “secure attachment” or way we view other people affects friendships and romantic relationships.  The studies show “The participants who assumed they’d be liked were, in fact, seen as more likable.”  This is not arrogance or self-centeredness.  In fact, the insecure attachment is more selfish.  Because they’re focused on themselves, they can be “vulnerable narcissists.”  “Vulnerable narcissists reveal the self-centeredness of pain; they prioritize their own needs and dismiss those of others, because they assume (often incorrectly) that they’re the ones being slighted.”

Doesn’t this all boil down to “Treat others the way you want them to treat you”? (Matthew 7:12)  It also lines up with the following admonitions from God on how to treat people:

“It is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong.” I Peter 3:17

“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” I Peter 4:8

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”  Romans 12:10

“Do all you can to live in peace with everyone.  Dear friends, never take revenge.”  Romans 12:18-19

So choose to trust.  It is worth the risk.